Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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