Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
