I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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