all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
