He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
