I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
