I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
