If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is it because I queefed?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
