Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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