dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
