so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
