A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
