she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
