cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
