I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was like eating out sand paper
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
