is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
