I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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