spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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