You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
