Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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