he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
