I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
