Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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