He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
