u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
