Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
