Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
