love makes seman taste better
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
