you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
