this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
that is very illegal...i love you.
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