Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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