why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
