Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
