Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
