I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
