I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
