You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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