guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
