I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
