You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
