Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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