I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
