So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
