I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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