There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
