Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
