He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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