i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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