No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We have started to decorate penises.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
