Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
